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Sunday, August 06, 2006

Bill Wahl IS... Captain Universe!

Ok, here's one of my favorite comic books of All Time. I present to you X-MEN AND CAPTAIN UNIVERSE #1 (Marvel Comics, December 1994), starring... BILL WAHL!

No lie. Allow me to quote from the intro, as explained by Stan Lee himself:

Hi, Bill!
Admit it, true believer! You've always wanted to be a super hero, right? Well, Bill, now you are!
Out of the kindness of our happy little hearts, and our new high tech computer systems, we have cooked up a way for you to become Captain Universe and fight side-by-side with the X-citing X-Men to save New York from the menace of the malevolent monster mutants!
In order to make it even more exciting, you'll be able to share this action packed adventure with Karen! But remember, you're in charge! Everything depends on you!
So don't let us down! The X-Men are menaced by the greatest threat they have ever faced, and only you, Bill Wahl can defeat it!

Stan Lee

Well, Stan, I'll see what I can do.
I am after all, no longer mere mortal Bill Wahl... now I am BILL WAHL™!

Enigma force? Is that the one that's wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a corundum wrapped in bacon? It definitely smells of cheese.

OK, I'll try to give you the short and skinny... while riding a bus, a fellow passenger suddenly turns into a giant octopus thing and wreaks havok when suddenly

Suddenly I'm not just plain old (HEY!) Bill Wahl any more... somehow I know that I'm CAPTAIN UNIVERSE! And just when I've got things under control with Weird Octopus Mom, the X-Men (Rogue, Jubilee (isn't she dead yet?), Gambit, Iceman and Wolverine) show up to give me a hand. Not knowing that the Octopus Mutant Thing is a Soccer Mom, the X-Men bash her around in typical X-Men "Punch First, Forget to Even Ask Questions Later"-mode, I attempt to intervene so they don't harm "her" by - that's right - accidentally bumping into Gambit who bumps into Wolvie, dropping his "charged cards" in the process and allowing Mutant Octo-Mom to get away, at least without further damage being wrought. Naturally the X-Men attack me immediately, and it takes all my will to not use my newfound Enigma powers inappropriately and whack all the little whiners. They gang up on me and I manage to squeeze out the following exchange:

At this point Wolverine says of me: "This joker's too STUPID to kill, Gambit!" And at THAT point I should have thrown him into the sun, but cooler heads prevail with the arrival of a telepathicly-projected Professor X Big Floating Head™.

Gambit throws one last insult my way, and they make like the wind and blow. Best for all, methinks. Then a bunch of stuff happens, more problem solving through physical violence, blahblahblah, the X-Men attempt to apologise,

I save the world, blahblahblah, and then

back to being Good Ol' Charlie -whoops- Bill Wahl. And that's it. No entry into the Marvel Universe Encyclopedia, nothing, no phone calls, zilch, zip, nada.

It's been 12 years Marvel, dontcha need me? And which side do you think I'm on?


At 8/06/2006 11:57 AM, Blogger Nick said...

If only I had photoshop with me, i'd be working on the custom 'Civil War: I'm with Bill Wahl' banner right now.

At 8/07/2006 7:57 PM, Blogger stymieresh said...

(OK, I've been inspired by nick...)

You mean, like THIS BANNER?

At 8/07/2006 8:16 PM, Blogger Bill at Comix Connection said...

HA! That's funny as all get out! Now if I can just remember where I put my Captain Universe costume...

At 8/08/2006 1:00 AM, Blogger amoorefan2 said...

i think you'd be on the side that has dry foriegn cookies and a surplus of free hawaiian t-shirts...i wonder if you could listen to the Ramones while fighting crime in that costume?

At 8/08/2006 9:33 AM, Blogger Bill at Comix Connection said...

Even better... I could Be BILLY RAMONE, the long lost Ramones brother!

The one with no musical talent.


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